As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
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Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Room with a view.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting