Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
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I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
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