When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
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There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I like long walks away from everyone
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
The Joker was right
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store