Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
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I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
same energy
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Lmao
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.