I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
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Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.