just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
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My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.