My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
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Egyptians don’t walk like that.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Don’t snitch tag.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.