If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
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Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I hope they boil the right one.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.