I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
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Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*