Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
What an awful time to have common sense.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no