RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.