friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
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[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd