#Caturday
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Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
“You’d better run, egg!”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.