if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
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Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
WHY?!
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower