Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
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Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.