I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.