Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
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Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.