My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.