I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
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Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
#ProTip
💯😂
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!