I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
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Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Happy birthday to all the women
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”