[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”