At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
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My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*