My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
How to find Kentucky on a map
#parenting
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.