I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
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I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
*weighs self after shaving
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂