[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
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Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.