I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
You Might Also Like
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
dutch is not a serious language
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.