In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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it’s a van. how do they not know this
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.