Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
You Might Also Like
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Straight people are cancelled
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine