I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]