10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.