I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?