The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
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“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you