HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
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The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
“i miss shittin on people”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Merica.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
termite twitter scares me
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet