[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
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me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.