“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
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hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.