sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
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I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me