The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
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WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*