Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags