to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
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came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?