My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
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My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
(Gaming support cat.)
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?