the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.