I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
You Might Also Like
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Every house has this drawer
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.