Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )