The Compass
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He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.