Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Passwords are more important than ever.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.