The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Fries, not lies.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”