Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Oh my God.