If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I think I’m having a stroke
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.