once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
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3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
You have been warned.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.