It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
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“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok